A prayer

Just left a Bible study on Isaiah that my friend Jim Lees is teaching- thank You for that time, O God of the Angel Armies! Thanks is in my heart and on my tongue: "I thank You!"

For You, O Great Jehovah, lift up the downcast in Your great wisdom and mercy; You, in Your great love for me, reveal to me how desperately I need You!

I find that I am conscientious of my sins in wrong ways. I feel guilty for my sins which is a great sin because it displaces faith in the Perfect Sacrifice of Jesus Christ with independence. I repent of this, Father. I repent of not believing that You love me wildly even as a flawed sinner. I repent of believing You only love me when I make myself look nice and tidy, when I can 'impress' You.

O LORD, thank You for never turning me away! Thank You for always welcoming me back because You always love me. Even though I relentlessly think that You love me because I'm a pretty good guy... Thank You.

Praise You, One and Only, for accepting my repentance and for faithfully working in my heart!

And now...it is now that I begin to get frantic and want to find something else to do so that I may "escape the knowing gaze of the Almighty."

My shame is my pride, and God loves me no less. Amen.

Joy in the growing

I am not happy, but I am well. This is new to me. I am delighted that I am able to notice the Lord's work in my life. It is not that I have completely ceased trying to make things right on my own. In fact, I'd be stretching the truth to claim that I have even partially ceased trying to make things right myself but I am praying with belief and purposefully trusting that He will make all things right. Yes He will!

I am not happy because, well, things are not as I was hoping or wishing or imagining. In the past I have been in the habit of withdrawing into self-protection and keeping the world out while I supposedly nurse myself back to normal. (Hm. I'm thinking about what I just said: I trusted in no one but myself to heal my sorrows, and would call the end 'recovery' normal. How genuinely rotten, HA!)

Happiness used to mean so much to me. My hopes, my silent, unvoiced, wildly imagined fantastical dreams were idols! When they came to naught, as idols always do, I was left with unfulfilled magic. Why? Because God was not my center, He was not my focus. The only focus which will bring magic in spite of sorrow, disappointment, sadness, suffering or any other kind of trial is Christ, Jesus Christ my Savior, my Rock, my Fortress, my Portion, my Hallelujah!

God is gardening within me. How do I know? Because something is growing that is foreign to this natural, sinful body; something that I have personally tried and tried and tried to muster, to pretend to have but never truly had - faith. It is a rich substance and is fed by a generous Spirit so I have no fear of it running out. Well, in all honesty, I do have a fear of it running dry, but I know and believe that it will not run out. He is a spring of Living Water, no?

This is why I am well: the Lord is my strength, my hope and confidence and I am not merely looking to Him to make me happy as has been my habit. I am not looking to God so that I may be served. I desire God for God, for relationship with Him, and now that I do, I can see that it beats any flimsy dream I've ever imagined. After all we are told that He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20.